A part of 'Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)' which I learned from one of my friend's YM status. 

It made me think of all the things that I am afraid of.

Maybe someday, I'll be able to conquer those fears one by one.. 

And that will be really cool and I'll be AWESOME!

Guess, I am missing them. It'll be great if I'll be able to talk/see them again. ^^

Suddenly, I realized that I wanted to stay in spite of the reasons that made me want to leave.

i am just thinking now that maybe, just maybe, there are better things meant for me.

these disappointments should not hinder me in achieving and making the most of what i wanted in life. but still, easier said than done. 

nothing else that i could do but go on in life.

God has better plans for me. ^_^

yeah, i know its my freaking fault that i am stuck in this pit of boredom. and im blaming this boredom (yeah, not on me.. =P ) that i am back in doing the vice that i am trying to quit for the longest time now (Heaven knows how much i wanted to quit). i just couldnt stop it though i dont feel like doing it (contradicting, huh) anymore. 

been the not so nice bitch lately (but, is there really a "nice" bitch?). i feel a lot better when im working alone  and doing stuffs alone. but probably depends on who i am working or doing those things with.

been up to nothing lately. i just couldnt think of a good hobby. all i could think of is shopping. is it a good one? probably, not so good one.

this "not contented" feeling is slowly taking over me. i sometimes couldnt fathom the things thats been happening in my life. it is slowly becoming im-doing-this-because-i-have-to kind of thing.

and happiness, where art thou? its not like that  i am in the midst of depression that i couldnt feel the presence of happiness. i could sense its presence but the "ultimate" happiness seems to be wandering around and got lost. but what is my definition of "ultimate" happiness?

probably i am becoming the "OC" person that i am (yes i am OC in some ways, believe it or not). been wanting to take control of anything that is happening and going on with my life. i have to make myself realize that not everything that we want will be ours. i have to make myself learn that there are some things that i could not take control of (cause, i am only human). 

but then, no one can really help me pick myself up but me. geez!

i miss their company. i miss everything. 

I thought I have prepared myself for this but probably not  that successful. 

I am entertaining the thoughts of quitting, this early, on the soonest possible time and hoping that I could leave earlier than the expected time freely.

I aint happy. I aint statisfied. I aint fulfilled.

Everyone is asking me on my thoughts and feelings about it. And I think they are all expecting my answer to be like "ohhh, I am happy that I am finally going back to Phils". But, those answers wont just come out of my mouth. I could not force myself to utter them since I could not fully convince myself that I am indeed happy. I guess, anybody who is leaving will have the same issues.

I am becoming emotional and sentimental again. These emotions rarely surface, but when they do, they are overwhelming. I had embraced the so called independent life here. I had invested enough family-like emotions to everyone that surrounds me. I had made myself too comfortable and used to everyone's presence. Now, I feel like leaving my "family".

I have been trying to mask those emotions in these past few days by not entertaining the thoughts that I am leaving, thinking that it might change the way I feel. But I am not that successful. Masking my emotions doesn't make things easier, it just gave me some time to not feel indifferent. To make me feel and do my usual routine, which is I am not sure if it is good or bad.

I will definitely miss this life that I have lived in the past 2 years. I will definitley miss the people behind the happy and sad experiences here. If only we could do something with "change".

and... 

oh shit! my eyes are welling up with tears.